Making Amends
by LoveyHowl
Summary: He called, she came. Mike Cruz and Jackie Peyton come to an understanding.
1. Chapter 1

Nurse Jackie S5

I own nothing.

Making Amends

"Hello?"

Jackie's shock at seeing the name on the caller ID of her cell phone was genuine. From the sound of her voice the man on the other end of the line could see it on her face very well in his mind's eye. Being the bastard that he was it made him smile.

"I need to talk to you," he said in that deep baritone that she hadn't heard in almost a year. As was his typical way it sounded more like a command than a request.

"Hmm..." she replied quietly, unable to get out any other word or words that could fully and accurately reflect anything that she was feeling or properly address his request. She hung up the phone on him.

In his apartment, where he stood looking out of the window at the busy street below, he shook his head and repeated what she said; he chuckled softly to himself as he stared at his cell phone which seemed to mock him with its display reading "CALL TERMINATED" just a bit too long for his comfort; finally it disappeared to reveal the home screen. "Yeah..." he said out loud as he groaned deeply, "...terminated. Right."

Jackie, back at the bar where she had been when she'd gotten his call, told her new friends that she was hanging with from work simply that she had to go and that she'd had a great time. After they'd all said their good night's and she was heading for the door she had to laugh at herself. _This truth-telling thing is a real kick in the pants,_ she thought to herself as she shook her head in real amazement. She thought back to the days when lying—about anything, no matter how mundane—was something she did automatically, on general principle; she reveled in how freeing it was to finally have nothing to hide. From anyone. Not Grace or Fiona; or Kevin; or Ellie; or Eddie; or sweet, sweet Zoey. There were no more secrets, at home or at work and she was loving it.

Being off her Percocet—well, that she was not loving. Every day she was not loving it, but she was learning to deal with it and knew that she would always be dealing with it. She was finally able to be honest about that, too. But it was hard; the hardest thing she'd ever had to do in her life. Every damn day it was hard. And getting harder. She tried to take her mind off of that and concentrated then on just making it out of the bar and to the street to hail herself a cab. Twenty minutes later she was standing out on the sidewalk in front of his building.

He was staring into a glass of vodka when his buzzer rang.

"I'm here," she said simply. He buzzed her in. When he opened the door for her he was amazed to see a smile break across her face. The look on his confirmed that he couldn't believe that she had actually shown up.

"Well, you gonna let me in or not?"

He stepped aside and let her in then closed the door softly behind him. He noticed her checking his place out as he walked up behind her. "Yeah, I thought it was about time for a change of scenery," he said as she continued to survey all the boxes throughout the place.

"I can see that." She turned to face him. "How are you, Dr. Cruz?"

"C'mon, Jackie, not now...not after what we've been through together," he chided her.

"How are you, Mike?" she asked him then as the features on her face softened even more.

"I'm fucked, but I deserve it, right? Pull up a box and have a seat," he said as he directed her to the middle of the living room where two accommodating stacked boxes were already waiting for her. "I like the hair, by the way," he said of her shoulder length locks.

"Thanks. You shipped out the furniture already?"

"Yeah—everything except the bed." He gave her a challenging look.

"C'mon, Mike, cop a squat and talk to me. That's what you called me here for, right?" Jackie kept her demeanor pleasant, but also cool, reserved and totally no-nonsense.

"Yeah, sure..." he said as he did just that. "Look," he began, as he sat on his stack of boxes across from her, "I'm outta here at the end of the week and I couldn't go without saying thank you; thank you for being there for Charlie. Thank you for being there for me."

Jackie wanted to reach and take one of his hands into both of her own but thought better of it. She wanted to tell him how much she missed Charlie and how she wished she could have done more, but thought better of that, as well. She settled herself inwardly because she knew that if she said too much of anything she would start to cry and she didn't think Cruz would appreciate her tears. Not at all. She comported herself further by taking a deep breath before she spoke again. "You're welcomed. How are, you, Mike—really?"

"Well, honey, that question is as loaded as the gun in my desk drawer, let me tell you. It's a day-by-day kinda thing—but you know about that, huh?" He realized as soon as he said it that what he meant had come out all wrong. "Hey, I didn't mean it..."

"No offense taken, Mike," she told him sincerely. "Really...I get it."

"I wish he had gotten it," he said bitterly. "I wish he had been able to get even a little bit of it." Mike looked away from her and uttered a silent curse, then back at her again. "I know I was the problem; I was the reason why he couldn't. My boy is not here, Jackie, and it's all my fault. I know that. You want to know how I am? I've been taking a good, long, hard look at myself this past year and I ain't been liking what's been looking back, you know?"

Jackie sat quietly, determined just to listen. She didn't think he would appreciate her two cents about Charlie, especially the fact that she would always believe in her heart that it had been an accident; a total and terrible miscalculation; because Cruz had had finally reached out to him, really reached out to him, and in his own way, Charlie had finally been trying to reach back. She just felt that someone making an effort like that wouldn't just check out. They shared an awkward silence.

"You're awful quiet," he said at last, his thick brows furrowed at her suspiciously.

"I don't know what to say, Mike," she answered him honestly.

"Oh, I think you do," he countered.

"You know, Mike, I tried to stay out of things, not just because I found out that you were his father and my boss...but because I knew he needed you more than he could ever need me. Or should have. And I'm sorry our relationship made you angry. But, I really cared about him. I wasn't trying to be in your way."

"That's it?"

"That's all I got right now. What am I doing here?" she asked out loud, more of herself than from him.

Mike felt the tears beginning to well up in his eyes; he got up to go make himself a fresh drink at the wet bar on the other side of the room and pull himself together before he embarrassed himself in front of her. "I'd offer you a drink, but I figure you probably stay away from that, too, huh?" he said over his shoulder at her before he downed the contents of his freshly-poured shot of vodka.

"Uh, yeah, I'm a Shirley Temple kind of girl these days," she said as she stood up and collected herself.

"Where are you going?" he asked her angrily when he turned around to find that she had picked up her purse from the floor and slung it over her shoulder.

"I...I should go," she said uneasily.

"No, stay...I didn't even take your coat...give me your coat, huh?" He set his empty glass down and walked toward her.

"No, no...I should..." she twisted her body around nervously and pointed at the door, then turned back to him, "I should really get going, you know?"

"Why? You got a new boyfriend or something? A hot date to get to?" he looked pointedly at her. "Your babysitter turns into a pumpkin at midnight? What?"

"C'mon, Mike—you know this isn't a good idea..."

"What, two old friends spending some time together? That's a crime these days?" he asked her, appearing to Jackie to be growing angrier by the moment. He was standing before her then and reached out his hand to stroke her hair; Jackie recoiled from him, badly thrown off kilter by his angry words and tender touch. "Oh, come on, Jackie," he laughed lightly at her, "you're not afraid of little old me, are you?"

"Look, you're slightly intoxicated and very emotional right now—and it's not like we're two old war buddies, okay?" she began uncomfortably as she pushed his hand away from her; he took it back forcefully and held it up high, as if her was about to lead her in a dance.

"Aren't we? I'd say that's exactly what we are." The look on his face and the tone of his voice was menacing.

Jackie looked at their clasped hands and found herself as immobile as a deer caught in the path before the blinding glare of oncoming headlights. "Hey, Mike—whatever it is you think you're doing? You don't want to do that," she told him firmly, really beginning to worry for her safety; she tried to extricate her hand from his.

"Don't I?" he asked her threateningly as he jerked her hand down and brought it to rest on his shoulder. "Don't I?" he asked again roughly as his arm encircled her small waist and yanked her forcefully into his embrace. "Don't I?" he whispered softly at her as he brought his lips closer to hers. "Don't you?"

"Mike, I..." Jackie tried to protest but Mike silenced her with his kiss. She was transported back to that morning so long ago where she had dreamed of just such a thing happening between them and the reality was shockingly, intensely—wickedly—more satisfying than she wanted to admit.

"Was I wrong?" he murmured at her after their lips parted. "Don't lie to me," he warned her.

"Lying's not my thing anymore, haven't you heard?" She blushed under the scrutiny of his glare but never took her eyes off of his.

"Yeah—I heard," he said before he kissed her again.

"Look, stop it, okay?" she said angrily as she broke out of his embrace. "What are you doing? What are we doing? I don't understand..."

"Really—you don't?" came his irritated voice.

"Okay, okay—I do, I get it; you're saying goodbye; to a place and a time that holds a lot of painful memories for you, I totally get it. So let's just do that, okay? Just...just say goodbye to me..."

"I'm not drunk, Jackie..." he cut her off as he approached her again, "and I am emotional right now. I'm not just looking to satisfy my curiosity here..." he removed her purse from her shoulder and let it drop down to the floor, then put his arms around her waist and drew her gently to him. "The first day I met you I knew I wanted to get between these wicked little bowlegs of yours..."

Jackie gasped at his crude revelation. "I'm not bowlegged..." she replied indignantly.

"Of course you are—this right here?" his hands dropped to caress the curve of her hips, "totally tantalizing. I know it must be a horrible prospect for you, " he smirked at her, "but I did keep it professional. And I watched you—boy were you something to watch. And I learned things about you—mainly what a brave, feisty little fighter you are. It takes a lot of guts...a real commitment to yourself and the people that you love to put the drugs down and face this fucked-up world and everything that life throws at you clean and sober; to own up to your imperfections but not let them define you. That's no small accomplishment, honey.

"And I learned some things _from_ you, Jackie. You know, I used to be as good a doctor as you are a nurse," he told her, as if it was something he couldn't believe himself. "And then I got caught up in my own ambition. And that ambition cost me the most important thing in my life," he said bitterly then. "I thought there was hope for me, because I learned from you that I didn't have to do that anymore, it didn't have to cost me Charlie. There were moments with you, Jackie, when you and me and Charlie were together that just felt so..._right_, you know? Like we were a family. You had a way with him his own mother never had. When he said he'd go back to rehab if I didn't fire you? I fell in love with you right at that moment. I thought to myself, this is the kind of woman I want in my life, by my side and it was the cherry on top of my pie that you and my boy liked each other. But I was still a bastard, Jackie. I loved you and I resented you for becoming a part of him so easily, something I hadn't taken the time to do, in all honesty, and I took it out on you, anyway, and for that I'm truly sorry. In spite of all of it I thought my life had finally turned around and that I was going to get the chance to be the father that I always should have been for him. But I was too late for him, Jackie.

"So yeah, I'm leaving; been fired from my job, thank God; bought a little house away from the city, gonna start my own small private practice. It's what I want...what I need to get back to. And I am saying goodbye to some painful memories, Jackie, but you're not one of them. You're an amazing, magnificent woman..." Mike freed her gingerly from her coat and let it slip to the floor to join her purse. "I'm not saying goodbye to you, at all..." he said softly, concentrating his attention on the unbuttoning of her blouse. " I'm trying to say hello..." his deep voice, full of desire, was as tangible a caress as the one he was inflicting on her with his hand, the back of which was stroking her chin; he trailed it down the length of her neck, then between her breasts and onward, lightly grazing her stomach and sending her into a little swoon, mesmerized by the intent of his touch and more than surprised by the depth of his feelings for her. When his lips descended upon hers again she welcomed him without question.

How long had it been since she'd really been made love to by a man? Jackie asked herself the question as she gave herself over to him. She and Kevin hadn't in years; they'd made the effort to try and keep the fires burning—sex on the kitchen floor; quickies between their harried schedules, and what not—but it had always been exactly that, for so many years: an effort. The passion had died long before their divorce, long before she'd started with Eddie. And it wasn't just the rigors of family life that had zapped it to hell. She knew deep in her heart that Kevin had simply grown tired of her, tired of their life; tired of her drama. He loved Grace and Fiona, but Jackie knew that he was secretly yearning for more in his life whether he would ever admit it or not. But now he had a new life and it wasn't lost on her that he was he was a much happier man; happier without her than he had been with her for many, many years. He was still being an asshole to her, but he and the girls were ironing out some of the rough edges with each other; as for the two for them they were finally on the same page with each other and presenting a much more united front in their disciplining of the girls and for that she was grateful.

Then there was Eddie, who she had used as surely as she had used her drugs. She had never loved him and the rush of secret anybody-could-walk-in-on-us-any-minute-now sex had grown old very quickly. She obliged him for the medicinal favors he knew that she craved more than his body, plain and simple. It was a horrible situation and she cringed when she thought of all the times they literally banged around in the pharmacy and the bruises and backaches she'd suffered from fucking against cabinets and drawers and on top of hard tables trying to be hot and spontaneous. Eddie, despite the horrid dynamic of their previous relationship, was a good guy. But he was no lover. And Jackie hadn't been a good one, either. But this man was something else all together. His touch, the way he looked at her, the things he said to her and the way he said them, made her body burn for more; he made her feel like a woman _desired. _And she desired him.

"Hello, Jackie," he said when their lips parted.

"Hello, Mike," she smiled at him through the tilt of her head, her cheeks blushing red.

"I know some other things about you too, by the way," he said in a voice sweeter than she imagined him capable of being.

"Oh yeah? Like what?"

"I know about how the divorce went; I know about Grace's new school; I know about how Eddie is making your life miserable again—you need to cut him loose, honey—if getting you hooked again would help him get you back in the sack he'd fucking do it—in a heartbeat—don't kid yourself. And that fucking cop? He sounds like a nice guy but you're _way_ out of his league..." he gave her a stern look.

Jackie tried to free herself from his embrace then, feeling immediately embarrassed and exposed, but more than that, extremely guilty at intruding further into the man's life in a way that he must have surely viewed as one liberty taken too many.

"I'm sorry, Mike...I know it was an indulgence of the worst kind..." Mike held her fast.

"I know that Dr. O'Hara left for London the day before your birthday and how much that devastated you; I know what a total dick your ex-husband is...I know how much you miss Charlie."

"You know, Mike, you've got me all off balance, here...us, right now, like this...I know that you hated me, and quite frankly I wasn't liking you too much, either, before Charlie..." Jackie couldn't finish her sentence.

"Look, if I was still mad about it you'd know it." He let that sink into her.

Jackie looked down at the floor unable to weather his gaze upon her.

"Didn't you ever stop and wonder why his phone was still working?" he asked her softly. "He had so much stuff in there—videos...pictures...a whole life without me was in that phone. I had a time trying to figure out the password to get into it," he said through a sad little chuckle. "I paid the bill on it, you know. And I kept on paying it at first just because—well, because I had to. At first I told myself that it was just to give me time to get the pictures and videos out, but I was having my conversations with him too, Jackie—that phone was my lifeline for a long time; then, God help me, I started reading his last text messages. And then your calls started coming in. So, don't feel so bad—we've both over-indulged ourselves here, huh?"

"I don't know what to say."

"Look, Jackie, let's not make this more complicated than it needs to be, huh? I told you that I was attracted to you the first day I met you, as rude and obnoxious as you were to me. If it hadn't been for that little fact, if I hadn't liked you—God knows you made me mad enough on more than one occasion to want to wring your damn neck and enjoy watching the life choke out of you, honey, huh? All of you motherfuckers, and I say that with great affection—you really gave me a harder way to go than was necessary.

"I was just trying to do my job, Goddammit. And none of you ever gave me any credit for understanding the method to your complete madness—and all of them followed you, Jackie—it was your way or the highway and then you all just fucking mutinied on my ass. Add to that what I was going through with Charlie—I had no control over anything in my life! You wouldn't listen to me at work; Charlie wouldn't listen to me at home and yet somehow you got in here the first day I met you," he said as he put a finger to his temple, "and stayed there, long before I knew you had any connection with him. Then later, God bless you, you sat right here in this room and tried to bring me and my son closer together—you got in here..." he pointed to his heart. "And as much as I loved you I treated you like shit because he let you in; because you bonded with him—and I know it wasn't just a rehab thing; you were with him like how you were—are—with everyone...so caring and so full of love. I was jealous," he confessed as he dropped to his knees and buried his face in her belly, sobbing his anguish and heartbreak into her.

"I've been trying to get my shit together, and most days I'm almost there. But I let him down, Jackie, his whole life I let him down; I failed him as a father, completely. I got _everything_—wrong; all of my priorities. He's not here because of me. And I wanted to blame anyone but myself then and I channeled it all into you, took it all out on you, anyway, and for that I'm truly sorry," he looked up at her then, his heartbreak written all over his face, "can you ever forgive me?"

"Oh Mike, c'mon," she began sadly, her whole heart going out to him completely, "I forgave you then. You've got to forgive yourself, now..." she took his face into her hands and nodded her reassurance at him through tears of her own. "Really, you have to. I don't know a lot; I don't have any of the answers but I do know that Charlie loved you, Mike...and whatever else was going on with him...I can't help but to believe that he knew that you loved him, too. And you don't owe me any apology, I owe one to you, because, fuck me, Mike and all of us at the hospital, but me most of all—Charlie knew that you were there for him; he was giving you the only credit that really mattered. I more than anyone shouldn't have been wasting your time with my fucking drama and bullshit. Once I found out who you were I should have been making it my business to rally the troops behind you instead of against you...I should have been able to step outside of my own bullshit to do that for you.

"I have done horrible things...to everybody..." she said in disgust as she peeled him away from her. "Everybody, for a good portion of my life. And how fucked-up is it that I'm just now really realizing that? You can't possibly love me, Mike. I did maybe one good thing for you and committed a hundred crimes against you that kept your focus from where it should have been—me...I did that." Jackie grabbed her purse and coat from the floor and backed slowly away from him. "You should hate me, Mike...you have every right to hate me."

"Jackie, no...don't say that..." he made to go to her.

"I...I failed him, too, Mike..." she was crying uncontrollably then. "I failed you." She headed for the door.

"Jackie...neither of us is blameless, let's just agree on that..." Mike reached her before she got to to the door. "Don't leave me now, Jackie—if you do that I really will never forgive you, I mean it."

"I am so not used to feeling all of these feelings!" Jackie tried to push him away from her but wasn't strong enough to do so. "I want my little blue pill so bad right now, do you know that? It's all I think about, Mike. This right here?" she pointed to him and then back at herself, "makes me want to dive into a vat of blue pills and never come out again. You can't possibly love me—you don't need a drug addict in your life, Mike."

"My son was a drug addict and I loved him," he told her softly.

His words literally took her breath away and Jackie started to hyperventilate.

"Breathe, baby; stay here with me, Jackie...work it out with me..." Mike gingerly took off her blouse and then walked her slowly over to a window and opened it; he sat on the ledge and settled her in his lap. "That's it, baby...breathe..."

"I feel like such a...I'm..." Jackie struggled to catch her breath.

"Stop that," he cut her off, "stop talking—that's an order," he said roughly.

After a time her breathing became less labored.

"Good, that's better..." he murmured into her soft hair. "Look, the way I see it, we're the only two people in the world that can help each other. I'm not afraid to ask you for your help. Please? Let me help you? This was inevitable, Jackie, you have to know that. So..." Mike released her, "no more words for a while, huh? I've got other things I want to do with my lips...and yours..." he brushed her hair away gently then gave her neck a tender kiss. "Come on..." he stood her up, took her hand then and led her on unsteady legs to his bedroom.


	2. Yin Yang

Nurse Jackie S5

I own nothing.

Ch 2 Yin Yang

As she lay beside Mike, her back to him and facing the edge of the bed, Jackie gave herself over to the magic his hands were working on her in the form of an exquisite massage; he concentrated his attention first to the knots at the base of her neck and then slowly outward to her mid-back and shoulders; he turned her over on to her stomach and settled soft kisses where his hands had just been before he gently took the pillow from beneath her head, smoothed her hair away to one side of her neck and then sat lightly on his haunches over her legs. She was still in her bra and sexy little navy wrap skirt, which he had only untied in his easy unhurried manner, as arousing to her as it had been soothing.

Everything about him had been arousing and soothing to her, even more so when he'd led her out of the living room and to his huge, sparsely appointed bedroom. He'd settled her first to sitting on one side of his bed then left her to put a CD in his player on top of his dresser and dim the lights. Within moments the elegant notes of a koto, weaving hypnotically through the jazzy strains of an instrumental song, filled the room. To her own surprise Jackie found that she liked it. Jazz, of any kind, had never been a favorite of hers and most of her musical tastes had been arrested at the rock and roll and pop favorites of her youth. She was amazed at that moment to realize how little music she ever really listened to, too busy with her life and her work to stay abreast of anything new. She hadn't even been able to acquaint herself with her daughters' music because they were both content to enjoy to their lyrical whimsies solitarily plugged in and tuned out, sharing their digital joys just as silently with their friends and each other in the new age of social networking.

"That's nice..." she said to him with a smile.

"Yeah...I looked for that song for twenty years before it finally became available. What I didn't know when I first heard it on the radio was that it was caught up in some legal crap with the original record label; they sent it out as a demo only—can you imagine that? Anyway...I finally got it on vinyl and this little imported sucker just came out last year."

"Wow—you're quite a patient man."

"Yeah, I am and don't you ever forget it," he smiled back at her.

Jackie took in the rest of his bedroom, which was comprised of a modern reclining chair, ficus tree and still occupied bookcase by the window; on the wall she faced from her side of the bed was a lovely half-round cherry wood sofa table with a round mirror above it and a clear vase containing an elegant arrangement of Bird of Paradise flowers. Mike noticed her noticing them.

"Yeah, my bedroom has always been my primary Zen place."

"Well, it's all very calming and cozy."

"I'm glad you like it," he said when he'd finally joined her on the bed, by which time Jackie had stretched out with her back to him, content to rest her head on the pillow and close her eyes.

"I like it," she repeated dreamily.

When she'd woken up later she was groggy and disoriented. She shot up suddenly to sitting and turned to find Mike smiling at her.

"Oh, God, how long was I out?"

"Only an hour or so."

"I'm so sorry..." she began, feeling embarrassed.

"Hey, I could watch you sleep every night," he assured her.

Jackie blushed and turned away from him. Mike reached out a hand took a lock of her hair then gently coiled it around his index finger before he let it go and drop back into place. Jackie, still feeling slightly awkward about being with him looked down nervously at her hands which were clasped in her lap. Mike could see from the muscles between her shoulder blades that she was preparing to move away from him; he reached out to her again, this time taking a handful of her soft hair at the nape of her neck, pulling her back gently toward him as he edged closer to her, turned her face toward his then cradled her in his arms.

"No you don't..." he kissed her before she could protest.

It was then that he had released her, laid her on her side and began to massage away the knots in her neck, shoulders and back. Finally, he eased her onto her stomach and knelt beside her, planted his hands at the base of her spine and began to give her a shiatsu massage.

"Ooh..." Jackie moaned at the first strong depression of his palms into her body, "seen these...never had one—wow..." she gasped.

"I took a class once," he said simply. Jackie could hear the smile in his voice. "Too deep?" he asked her as he worked his way up her back.

"No...it's...oh..." she gasped again.

"Okay?" he asked her again without stopping.

Unable to speak Jackie gave him a thumbs up. The third intense slow pass back down her spine ended with Mike's lips taking over for his hands; his fervent kisses, impossible for Jackie to ignore any longer, caused her to rise up then to face him and look into his eyes; she took his face into both of hands and stilled him before she kissed him deeply. Without either of them being truly aware of who took off what Jackie and Mike were naked, at last, and giving each other the attention they each hungrily demanded.

* * *

The hurricane-force effect that had been Mike Cruz was still sweeping over Jackie long after she had left him. She had spent the last possible moments with him before she raced to get home before Kevin dropped Grace and Fiona back at her house. Because of heavy evening traffic she made it with only minutes to spare and no time to change clothes.

"Dammit... dammit!" Silently she berated herself more caustically as rushed to hang up her coat and try and get herself together without looking as flustered and out of sorts as she felt; Grace she wasn't too worried about—she tried to pay as little attention to her mother as possible, as a matter of course. But Fi was on a whole new snitching kick of late and she didn't care who she ratted out; Jackie knew the first thing her little devil would notice was that she had on the same clothes she'd worn when they'd seen her last and the last thing she wanted to hear was Kevin's mouth.

She heard the keys in the lock of the front door and raced upstairs anyway to jump in the shower. She stayed in just long enough to get her body and hair completely wet and jumped back out. With her robe on and towel wrapped around her head she stopped to catch her breath before she headed downstairs where she met Grace on her way up.

"Hey, mom..." she barely said as she raced past to her room.

"Hi honey," said Jackie to the empty space where her daughter had been. She proceeded on down to find Kevin near the dining table, crouching down to give Fiona a hug. "Okay, sweetie, I love you, too. See you Saturday." He rose as she left him to go upstairs.

"Hi, mom! Why weren't you at the door?" Fiona asked her suspiciously.

"I was in the shower, honey," Jackie smiled brightly at her, happy that it wasn't a lie. She looked a hello over at Kevin who wasn't smiling back and appeared interested in her answer, as well.

"You have to go to work or something?"

"No honey, there's just a new conditioner I wanted to try out on my hair and I haven't had the time before now."

"I don't smell anything...usually your hair stuff smells all perfumey..." Fiona pressed on.

"Yeah, well, that's what's new about it—no perfume," Jackie managed to hold her temper and keep her smile on her face.

"Hmm..." Fiona was about to ask another question but Jackie cut her off at the pass.

"So, how was the movie, huh? Anything I might want to see?"

"No way, mom, you know you hate action movies, jeez," Fiona huffed at her before she stomped away and up the stairs.

"Well, okay, then," she turned to her ex-husband then, "hey, Kev..."

"Put some fucking clothes on—I need to talk to you," he said sternly.

"Uh, the last time I checked I moved out of my father's house, and not even _he_ ever talked to me that way—I strongly advise that you never talk to me that way again, Kevin," she shot back at him as her pleasant facade completely dissolved into thin air.

Kevin walked up closer to her. "Or what?" he asked her threateningly.

"You know what? Maybe whatever it is you think you want to talk to me about can wait for another time, you know, when you can speak to me in a civil tone. Or not. Go home, Kevin."

"Okay fine, don't get dressed, because this can't wait..." he took her by the arm and led her to the living room roughly.

"Hey, you asshole, what the fuck is your Goddamn problem? Get your fucking hands off of me!" Jackie wrested his hand off of her arm and pushed him away from her. "Who are you?" she asked disgustedly.

"Who are _you_?" he spit back at her. "I hear that Eddie was over here," he glowered at her.

"Yeah? So what? He's still my friend..."

"Well, he's also your ex-lover—or maybe not. But I don't appreciate you parading him around our daughters."

"First of all, they don't even know anything about that..." she began frostily.

"That can be rectified."

"Oh, come on, Kevin, even you wouldn't stoop that low, would you? Really?"

"I can only stoop as low as you, Jackie, and so far...well, let's just say I'm not even in your league. Even telling the girls about Eddie wouldn't put me in your league."

Jackie gave a deep, disgruntled sigh, looked down at the floor and put one hand on her hip and the other at her temple, trying desperately not to completely lose her cool. "He was helping Grace with her math homework and he's done wonders for her already."

"I don't give a fuck if he's Einstein—I don't want Eddie 'doing wonders'" he said nastily, "for either of my girls. He did enough 'wonders' for me already. Oh, pardon me—correction—for you. And you don't fool me for one second—I know you just fucking got here, I remember that move. Were you out with him?"

"Where I was or who I was with is none of your fucking business."

"IT IS MY FUCKING BUSINESS!" he shouted at her. "Those are my daughters, Jackie!"

"Oh, that's funny, because I don't recall anybody hassling you over the—let's see," she threw up a hand and began counting down, "the lovely little tramp you introduced them to before we even got divorced; and oh yes, that new waitress you took them to a movie with last month...and oh yeah! Your current model friend—Amber I think her name is? And that's just the ones we know about."

"Don't get on your fucking high-horse with me, adulteress."

"I like that—it's so...biblical," she said with mock appreciation.

"I don't want your former lover slash pusher in my home again."

"Newsflash, Mr. Peyton: it's not your home anymore. I'm not your wife anymore and that's not my life anymore, so you can get off YOUR fucking high-horse."

"Yeah, uh-huh, what the fuck ever. You've become quite the hot little divorcee—I heard about the cop—was it him?"

"Again—not your business," Jackie walked away from him, went to the front door and opened it. "Good night, Kevin."

"Who the fuck were you with that was more important than being here to receive your daughters, Jackie?" he demanded.

"Really? What part of 'not your business' do you not understand? And I was here to receive my daughters."

Kevin slammed the door shut. "Barely," he accused her.

"What the fuck is wrong with you? You keep this up and the girls are gonna come down here any minute..."

"I beat Eddie's ass and the girls were right in the same room with me and never heard a thing," he hissed at her. "You and I both know they're both upstairs with their headphones in listening to any and everything but us, so shut it, Jackie." He stepped closer to her and looked menacingly down at her. "So now you're clean and sober; you let your hair grow out a little..." he yanked the towel viciously away from her head and threw it to the floor.

"Hey!"

"You're running around in fucking dresses and heels and you're feeling like a woman again, is that it? You couldn't do that for me, could you? No, you couldn't do that for me," he drew even closer to her and put his hand on the lapel of her robe, tugged at it roughly. "No, not for me; it was scrubs and the short dyke hair..."

Jackie gasped at his words and his malicious intent, wrong on so many levels.

"It was eighty-hour weeks and another man, in spite of all of that! All of a sudden you're an in-demand little bitch in heat and you want to parade your salacious desires and some of your men in front of me and our daughters? Well, let me tell you something, Jackie Peyton, you don't get to have your cake and eat him, too—or should I say, them? You keep Eddie out of this house; and you ever not have your ass here waiting for these girls when I bring them home again? I won't be bringing them home again. Got that?" He grabbed her roughly by the neck and gave a hard, bitter kiss to her mouth. "Oh, I think you can do better than that..."

"Kevin!" Jackie clawed at him and tried to fight him off but he pushed her forcefully back against the wall and pinned her to it with his body. "Kevin! This is not you!"

"Oh yeah, it's me, alright," he said as he reached a hand inside of her robe and let it explore the familiar territory of her body.

"Stop this, Kevin! Get off of me," Jackie spit at him, mustering all of her strength to finally push him off of her and spring away from the wall. From where she stood in the middle of the living room they faced off; they had a moment of recognition over the fact that, even though she'd freed herself from his grip it was because he relented. What had finally clicked in his hateful thought processes she didn't know, but she was better prepared from her vantage point then to level some damage at him if he came at her again and they both had recognition on that, as well.

"I swear to God that if you come near me again you'll regret it, Kevin." The calm delivery of her words belied the rage that had welled up in her and sent her heart into her throat. _This is how we become headlines...this shit, right here... _she thought to herself.

Kevin gave a choked little snort and settled a rueful look at her. "I already regret everything about you, Jackie." He turned away from her then and walked out of the door.

She rushed over to it then locked and bolted it; she turned and leaned her back against, took a deep breath and tried to collect herself. She looked down at herself then. "Fucking asshole," she muttered as she yanked her robe closed. "What the fuck was that?" she asked herself out loud as she slapped her hands against her forehead and then gathered her hair up into a ponytail in frustration. She threw her hair out of her hands and peeled herself away from the door only to hear a creak on the stairs.

"Fuck you, Kevin, I swear to God," she muttered disgustedly to herself as she raced up the stairs to see which one of their daughters they had damaged further, praying with every step for God to help her undo it.


	3. Killing the Piñata

Nurse Jackie S5

I own nothing.

Ch 3 Killing the Piñata

Jackie didn't have to go far to find out which of her daughter's had witnessed the horrible scene between her and Kevin; she found Grace standing in the hallway, a single tear rolling down her cheek.

"Grace..." Jackie rushed to her with outstretched arms and when she reached her Grace backed away from her.

"What's wrong with him? What's wrong with both of you?" she asked her mother tormentedly.

"Oh honey, please...please come down with me and let's talk about it? Please?"

Grace brushed angrily past her mother without a word and stomped loudly down the stairs. Jackie quickly went to check on Fiona; she opened the bedroom door quietly to find her baby sleeping soundly in her bed. She closed the door delicately and then rushed down to Grace. She found her in the living room holding the damp towel that her father had yanked off of Jackie's head.

"I can take that," Jackie smiled apologetically at her daughter as she reached for the towel; Grace yanked it further away.

"Okay," Jackie stiffened and stood straighter before Grace. "So, how much did you hear?" Jackie braced herself.

"I heard dad yelling and came to the top of the stairs; I heard the part about Eddie being your lover and your pusher, mom? Eddie? He's the reason we're not a family anymore?"

In that moment Jackie's heart broke all over again, for them all. She looked her daughter straight in her eyes and admitted the truth. "No, Grace, I'm the reason we're not a family anymore. Me. And my drug addiction."

Grace took the admission like a physical hit; her shoulders heaved and she began to cry fresh tears. Jackie knew better than to try and approach her yet and it took everything she had not to rush and embrace her; she knew that if she did Grace would only push her away.

"Your father is _really_ angry at me, Grace," she began softly, "and he has every right to be. It doesn't excuse his behavior...at all—I don't care how mad at me he is, he's not supposed to come in here and disrespect me like that and that was way wrong of him. But...if he was a lesser man...he would have done a lot worse. But he didn't, Grace. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

Grace thrust the towel at her, then threw it at her mother's feet. "Why did you lie?"

"Wow...I thought this parent/child role reversal thing was supposed to happen a lot later in my life..." Jackie said to herself as she wrung her hands nervously, looking down at the floor. She looked back up to find Grace only staring her down, waiting for an answer. "Because I didn't want to look bad to you and Fiona. I was out...all night...with a friend. I didn't want you two to see me in the same clothes."

"But if you had gotten back in time, been here waiting for us in your regular clothes—would you have told us anything about it?" her daughter demanded angrily.

"No, Grace, I wouldn't have, not yet."

"Why not? If it wasn't Eddie then who was it? Who's this cop dad is talking about?"

"Someone I met after my accident—he's the one who took the accident report."

"And he hit on you?" her daughter asked incredulously.

"Yeah, he did."

Grace was surprised to note that her mother seemed pretty shocked about that development, as well. "Was it him?"

"No."

"Well, then who? Dad has more than three girlfriends, why should I be surprised that you have three or four boyfriends?" she asked her mother disgustedly.

"Look, Grace, this isn't a contest. And I don't have three boyfriends. I don't have one boyfriend."

"But you spent the night..."

"He's someone that I used to work with—he was my boss last year and he quit All Saints when his son passed away. He and I are an even more recent development than the cop, but we have a little history together, that's all."

"Your boss?" Grace asked, her voice full of reproach.

"He's not my boss anymore and we never had a relationship like that while he was," Jackie maintained adamantly.

"Do you love dad at all, mom? Did you ever?" Grace asked her indignantly.

"Yes, Grace; I wasn't much older than you when I fell in love with your father. I love him still—as a person; as the father of my children. I don't wish him ill; I don't hate him—I'm really pissed at him, but I don't hate him. But I'm not in love with him any more and he's not in love with me anymore, either."

"Then what was that at the door? He kissed you, mom! He had his hands all over you!" Grace shouted at her in confusion.

Jackie, unable to resist her impulse, dared to go to her daughter to embrace her, but Grace pulled away from her. She gave a deep sigh of disappointment and retreated. "Grace, I've hurt your father...deeply. I haven't been a good wife to him for a lot of years, starting with when I began doing drugs. I hope that one day he'll be happy for me, because this clean and sober thing is a real bitch..." Jackie own tears started to flow then. "But I've been on the straight and narrow now for a whole year," she continued defiantly, "and my life has taken some surprising turns that he's feeling real resentful about. And he's going to have to get over that. I know he's trying."

"Why, mom? Why did you start doing drugs, anyway?" Grace demanded. "WHY?" she screamed at her.

Jackie felt like as if a knife had been plunged into her heart. "Why did you kill the piñata?" she asked Grace calmly.

"What?"

"The piñata, Grace. You beat the hell out of it—why?"

"Why? Because I hate my life! You and dad are crazy! And everything is fucked-up!"

"Well, that's kind of why I started doing drugs, Grace. I felt like I was fucked-up; my life was fucked-up and I felt like a horrible mother and wife for even having feelings like that. I wish I'd been able to kill a few piñatas and go on with my life. I mean, if killing a piñata can help you feel better...I think that's kind of cool. Better than drugs. Thank God you're not like me—you handle your stress way better than I ever did."

Grace just stared at her mother as she took in the full weight of her revelations; she wanted to hate her mother for causing so much upheaval in her life, for driving her father away and splitting up their family, but in that moment she realized for the first time in her life that her mother was a person; a person who made mistakes and wasn't perfect; a person who wasn't judging her actions and holding them against her.

"Mom?"

"Yes honey?"

"Do you think I'm crazy? Do you think I'm fucked-up?"

"Oh, my precious, beautiful daughter, you are definitely not crazy. But you are fucked-up—because of me, not because of you. You're fucked-up because it's not easy being a teenager in this world; you're fucked-up because it's not easy living in a house in the middle of a war between your parents; you're fucked-up because, even though your mother loves you more than anything else in life, she has spent the majority of your life putting her job before her family; you're fucked-up because your mother is a drug addict. So, you killed a piñata; you snuck out with a boy you know deep down is wrong for you, but he's cute, he pisses off your mom and you're smart enough not to do anything you know you don't really want to do—plus, as extra insurance, you tell your snitch-sister everything _just in case _you get into something that might be over your head, knowing that your mother will come kick whatever ass is necessary and help you—smart move, too; you haven't done anything to harm yourself or anybody else—another smart move, but you know, you love yourself enough not to even think of doing anything like that, anyway. You don't always tell your mother a lot of stuff because, hey, she hasn't earned it, has she? And she's not supposed to know _everything_, anyway, right? You have a really bad attitude that you're totally entitled to—you have a right to be mad at me. I just hope that you know how much I love you, Grace, and that you still love me, too. That's how love works-if you're lucky. You can be absolutely furious with someone, but if you love them, well, it helps you work through a lot of fucked-up shit. That and a shitload of piñatas."

"Mom..." Grace's face crumbled through her tears as she ran to embrace her mother.

"Oh, my baby! You don't know how good this feels..." Jackie said through her own tears as she hugged her daughter tightly and then kissed her cheeks. "I love you so much, Grace. I'm so sorry and I promise I'm going to spend the rest of my life making it up to you."

"I love you, mom." Grace kissed her mother on her cheek and settled back happily into Jackie's strong embrace.


	4. Ready Or Not

Nurse Jackie S5

I own nothing.

Ch 4 Ready Or Not

"Well, honey—you tired? You want to go to bed? You want to talk some more?"

"I just want to keep holding on to you, mom."

"Well, you get no argument from me on that, sweetie," Jackie smiled down at her daughter as she gave her an extra squeeze.

They were settled on the couch in the living room listening to the quiet sounds of the night coming in with the cool breeze through the cracks of the living room windows: the lonely chirp of a cricket that sounded as if it was sitting at their feet; neighborhood dogs barking their complaints at each other in the far-off distance; the occasional car passing down the street. Jackie loved the cool breeze washing over her and as long as one was blowing she had always kept her windows cracked, no matter what the season. It had always driven Kevin crazy and she chuckled inwardly to herself as she realized that she wasn't missing their squabbles over the thermostat. She felt Grace tremble as a shiver passed over her body.

"Oh, honey—you're cold—let me close up some of these windows, huh?"

"I'm okay, mom..."

"You've got goosebumps," Jackie noted as she moved to extricate herself from Grace's embrace.

"No, mom—don't get up..." Grace held her mother tight and grabbed the throw blanket from the back of the couch. "See, this is perfect—stay."

Jackie couldn't help the happy chuckle that escaped her.

"Mom?"

Jackie could feel a serious question coming and braced herself. "Yes, honey?"

"What made you decide to become a nurse?"

It was not the question Jackie had been expecting; she smiled down at Grace. "Wow. Well, it's kind of a long story."

"I like your long stories, mom."

Jackie gave Grace another little squeeze. "Well, I was eleven when my period started—you've heard this story..."

"All the bad cramps you used to have? The throwing-up and passing out, right?"

"Right. Well, by the time I got to be your age I was missing school two days out of my cycle every month, doubled-over in pain; I couldn't eat; I'd be vomiting pure bile. My mom took me to the doctor..."

"And you passed out in the waiting room trying to get to the restroom..."

"Right. Well, the part I never told you was what happened when the doctor came in to examine me."

"What happened?"

"Well, a lot of my friends were having sex, you know? Some smoked cigarettes, some smoked pot, some did other things—everybody was into something, you know? Believe it or not I was kind of a little-goody-two-shoes," Jackie smiled at the memory. "But none of us judged each other or pressured anybody to do anything they didn't want to, you know? We heard about 'peer pressure' from our parents and PSA's and after school specials on television, but that wasn't my experience, you know?"

Grace looked amazed to hear what her mother was telling her—her whole life at school had been about peer pressure, over things more serious than smoking cigarettes and pot. "Really?"

"Really. So, I'm in the examination room alone—my mom was filling out insurance papers somewhere—and this youngish doctor walks in, and I mean, he was all attitude, you know? I guess he figured I was one of those street smart, fast girls he was used to seeing or was just prejudiced enough to imagine all teenaged girls were like that at that time, and he actually sneered at me; I asked him what was wrong with me. A nurse walked in, just as he said to me, nasty as you please, 'Don't you know?' and it hit me—the creep thought I was pregnant! I was so insulted, Grace. And the nurse could see from the look on my face that I was really upset, too. So she goes up to the doctor and whispers something in his ear, that I swear, made him turn red as a beet! I don't know what she said to him but I never saw him again.

"So the nurse, Tilda Sweet was her name—I'll never forget her—tells me that my pain is not in my head and begins to prep me for a shot to my hip of a pain reliever. 'Forget that asshole, honey,' she said after she gave me my shot, 'the medical profession never takes womens' health seriously and you can tell everybody you know that I said it.' She waited for my mother to come in and then explained what my problem was. 'You have dysmenorrhea, honey—painful menstrual periods. And I'm gonna tell you honestly that the male medical community will send you to a shrink before they acknowledge that this is a real problem in fifty percent of menstruating girls and grown women, especially those who started very early—when was your first period, honey?' Eleven, I told her. 'Very typical,' she told me and my mother. 'Jackie, honey, I bet you've heard a lot of PE teachers tell you when you were swallowing down spit and hunched over in pain to exercise, right? Get up and do laps...' I was amazed because she was so right! Yes, I told her. 'Well, what they don't tell you is that you have have to exercise _all month long_, honey—crunches are really good, twenty a day, every day—that's all it would take to help lessen the cramps or do away with them altogether, you understand? Mom, the doctor would have either prescribed the pill for her or a visit to me once a month for your daughter to get this shot. I want her to try a regular exercise routine first—easy, like I said—twenty crunches a day, and see how that works for her. If it doesn't you call me, okay?'

"Well, she was right. And I thought she was just the coolest thing in the world—they way she handled that smug, insulting doctor? Just...wow. And I thought, I want to do that; I want to help people; I want to be a nurse, just like her."

"I don't know what I want to be, mom," Grace said sadly.

"Oh, honey—no, it's okay—most people don't, sweetie. You've got some time and you'll figure it out. My only advice is that you should pursue something you _really_ love, I don't care how ridiculous it may seem to anybody else. Really, Grace, I mean it; if what you love is drawing doodles, then go for an art degree; if all you want to do is spend your life petting cats and dogs then become a vet; if you like the way snowflakes taste in winter then become a meteorologist; if you like rollerskating then go into sports medicine and get a gig as a sports doctor with your favorite roller derby team..."

Grace laughed lightly at her mother's suggestions, but took her words seriously to heart.

"I mean it, honey; you hear people say it and it sounds like such a load of crap, but it's really true—find your bliss and follow it. Period. Don't be stupid, though—get yourself a related degree. You hear what I'm saying?"

Grace nodded as she hugged her mother tighter. "Mom?"

"Yes, honey?" Jackie felt her daughter take a sharp intake of breath.

"Danny wants me to have sex with him."

"Well, of course he does," Jackie began softly, "and how do you feel about that?"

"I like kissing him...but...I don't want to do that."

"Has he ever tried to force himself on you, honey?" Jackie asked her delicately.

"No. But he's been pressuring me, you know, saying that it's no big deal and I shouldn't be such a baby about it," she answered her mother difficultly.

"Do you think you're being a baby about it, Grace? Your gut feeling..." Jackie demanded.

"No."

"And uh, all this pressure has been occurring where, exactly?"

"I went to a...I met him at a..." Grace's halting words were full of fear.

"C'mon, I promise to keep my cool, just tell me, honey."

"At a club one night last week...and at his house," Grace finally managed.

"You told me you hadn't been to...okay...I'm taking a deep breath..." It was a while before Jackie could speak again but finally she was ready; she unhanded her daughter and turned Grace to face her.

"Grace, you know what I do for a living; I see some pretty horrible things, every day. You have to know that a parent's worst fear is to find out that some horrible, unspeakable harm has come to their child. Your gut feeling is totally correct about sexual intercourse at this time in your life, Grace—you're not ready and you know it—and Danny fucking knows it, too," Jackie began angrily. She made a concentrated effort then to calm down so that Grace would really listen to her. "I don't know what he's done to make you trust him enough to go into the city and put yourself at such risk, but you have to know that what you've done? Grace, you can't make this kind of mistake again. You simply cannot. It's not just about the boy: it's about where he's from—if he physically lives somewhere dangerous; it's about who his people are—if his parents give a shit about him...if he gives a shit about himself, because if not, I guarantee he won't give a shit about you, either; it's about who his friends are and what they do—does he lead or does he follow in what they're all involved in; it's about being at the wrong place at the wrong time, which could be the difference between you sneaking back in late and me finding you safe in your bed—or you never coming home again. And if there's even one of those things that you don't know about him then you have no business being with him. You can't just put your trust in people like that and that's something you'd do well to remember as you go through the rest of your life. Do you fucking understand what I'm saying to you, Grace?"

Grace was in tears. "Yes, ma'am...I'm sorry, mom," she broke down then and Jackie took her back into her embrace.

"You're smarter than that, Grace, I know you are," Jackie spoke softly into her sobbing daughter's hair. "Cross Danny off your list."

From her tone Grace felt that the only thing lacking from her mother's order was an "or else".

"Look, the whole dating-thing is just beginning for you; you're gonna have a lot more boyfriends to introduce me to in the future that I'm gonna hate, you know, before you meet the real love of your life—age-appropriate boyfriends, Grace," Jackie said firmly. Through her tears Jackie could feel Grace's tense body give way to the unexpected catharsis of a surprised, choked giggle and the affirmative nod of her head.

When Grace left her mother to go to bed she felt better than she had in months and especially in all of the time she had been sneaking around with Danny; for the first time in ages she actually went to bed not plugged up to her iPod or under the glare of her laptop. Her last waking thought was of her mother and how amazing she was, secure in the knowledge that she could tell her mother the truth about things in her life and live to see another day.

While her daughter gave in to peaceful slumber above her Jackie sat downstairs alone wishing she could at least have a drink; every organ in her body felt as if they were all at odds with each other and Jackie had no idea what to do to soothe herself; too many things had happened that evening and her emotions were on overload. Between her meeting with Mike, Kevin's ever-raging hostility and the horrors that were going though her mind over what Grace's experience could have been, Jackie felt as if she was coming unglued. When she found herself upstairs in her bedroom, standing in front of the open drawer of her night table with the ring box in her hand, she didn't remember moving her feet or being conscious of anything that had happened between sitting on the couch and that moment. She took the box to the bathroom and opened it.


	5. I Am A Rock

Nurse Jackie S5

I own nothing.

Ch 5 I Am A Rock

Jackie was awakened by the obnoxious sound of her vibrating phone on the night table. She felt groggy and disoriented and struggled to open her eyes; she jerked the phone angrily from the table and swiped blindly at it.

"Hello?"

"You sound like shit."

"I feel like shit."

"What happened? What's the matter?"

"I almost used last night. Or is it still last night? What time is it?"

"Four."

"Still last night—I just went to bed an hour ago..."

"What's the matter?"

"It was a rough night, that's all. What's up with you? Why are you calling me at this hour? You okay?"

"I miss you," Mike said simply.

The fog in Jackie's brain cleared a little and she opened one eye. "I miss you, too," she admitted easily.

"What do you mean you almost used?" he demanded firmly.

Jackie sat up in the bed and propped a pillow behind herself. "I had a pill being held hostage by my wedding ring in the ring box..."

"Where the hell did that come from?"

"I lifted it off of a basketball player that came through the ER a while back..."

"The one that swallowed it to keep the cops from finding it," he stated.

"Yeah, how did...oh...yeah."

"Yeah," he confirmed for her; it had been one of the many stories she had related to Charlie's phone. "What did you do, Jackie?" he demanded.

"Calm down, already—I flushed it and the ring down the toilet. It...it was a close call, Mike," she said then, sounding uncharacteristically frightened.

"That prescription that Roman wrote for you—you're not wearing it as a pendant around your neck or anything, are you?"

"Don't be mean, Mike, I really can't take that—I won't."

"I'm not being mean, Jackie—you just keep being honest and answer me."

"I burned it."

"Good girl. I wish I could be there with you right now..."

"So do I. The girls will be with Kevin this weekend if you..."

"Just tell me what time..." he cut her off, his tone insistent and almost angry.

"See, this is what I don't want..."

"What? What are you talking about?"

"This—you sound so angry—it seems to be all I bring out in you and that's not what I want for you, Mike."

"I'm not angry at you, I just want to be with you, that's all."

"You've been up all night? Couldn't you sleep?"

"I dropped off for a while; woke up thinking about you—I just wanted to call you and make sure that what happened between us earlier wasn't a dream."

"Oh, my God," she smiled into the phone, "it was and it wasn't...in the best possible ways."

"So what happened, Jackie, that got you all agitated?"

"Wow, what a lovely way to put it...well, let's see: my ex lost his shit because I wasn't here waiting all day for my children like a dutiful mother should have been; uh, made a scene in front of my oldest daughter; then I had to explain said scene to my daughter along with a host of other difficult things, which was actually a good thing, it turns out, just very emotionally draining. I guess I was feeling pretty raw and completely out of sorts and I knew that pill was up there, waiting for me."

"Why didn't you call me?" he asked her softly.

"I wanted to but I didn't want to, you know...I thought you'd be asleep..."

"Bullshit, with the waking me up—you would have called Charlie."

Jackie's whole soul shuddered at the truth Mike leveled at her and tear came to her eye. "Yes, I would have, before...you know, tonight."

Jackie fought valiantly to keep from succumbing to a full on crying jag and Mike could hear it in her voice.

"How messed up is that, huh? I think about all the things I've told him—" Jackie caught herself as she realized that she was talking about Charlie as if he was still alive. "I'm really messed-up, Mike. You know I'd never tell him all of the inappropriate things that I have over all of this time if he was here..." she tried to explain.

"You're preaching to the choir, honey—don't you think I know that? Look, Jackie, _I'm_ here. And when we see each other again we have some very definite issues that we need to iron out. Stop crying," he ordered her.

"Like...like what?"

"Look, the movers are coming for the rest of my stuff Friday—just tell me what time you want me at your door and when and we'll talk about it then. In the meantime we both need to try and get some sleep because you're killing me, Jackie—and you just don't know how close I am to jumping in my car and coming over there right now."

"Is that right? You don't even know where 'there' is," she laughed him off lightly as she wiped her tears away with the back of her hand.

"The hell I don't—it was one of the very few tidbits in your personnel file that's been in my phone ever since I saw it," he challenged her. Jackie was speechless. "Yeah," he said as if he'd just scored a TKO.

"Well," she managed finally.

"Yeah."

"Okay."

"You say one more thing other than goodnight and I'm out the door," he warned her then.

"Goodnight, Mike."

"Goodnight, Jackie."

* * *

"Jacks! Look baby, it's aunt Jackie!" Eleanor squealed at her baby boy in front of her laptop camera.

"Hi, sweetie," Jackie cooed and the adorable little boy on her screen. "Whoa—extreme close-up—Eleanor, surely you've been told that fine Japanese electronics have no nutritional value whatsoever—feed that child, pronto!"

"Very funny. He's at that stage—you know the one...oh! And off he goes!" laughed Eleanor as her baby crawled away out of camera range.

"Shouldn't you go get him?"

"No worries, Jacks, we're both happily penned in the nursery right now. How are you!"

"I'm hanging in there—how are you? You're positively glowing, by the way—is that ever going to stop?"

"Well, maybe, but not any time soon," Eleanor assured her with a broad smile.

"What's up? Come on, spill the beans."

"Well, if you must know...Sarah dropped in about three months ago and—for the moment—is happily penned in with us, as well," Eleanor said as she feigned a bored yawn.

"No!"

"Yes!" she squealed like a teenaged girl at boy-band concert. "Alright, I'm calm now. I've promised her and everyone else that I would only do that twice a day, tops. Out-of-country calls absolutely do not count against me, however."

"Of course," Jackie smiled. With Grace's help and the loan of her laptop Jackie had become more proficient at Skyping.

"Of course. She's at the market now, stocking up on nappies and caviar."

Jackie laughed out loud. "Well, she certainly knows what's important in life."

"Yes, that she does. So, my love, what's going on with you?"

"I didn't call to talk about me, I called to talk about you. How's the sleep thing going?"

"Are you kidding? I'm not stupid—I sleep when he sleeps and my son is much too taken with life to spend more than forty-five minutes a pop to do that, it seems. We're proper vampires, here," she chuckled.

"Yeah, that no-punching-a-time-clock thing was a good move."

"Yes, it was. I do miss you, Jacks."

"You know I miss you, but I'm so happy for you, honey. And Sarah is back—wow."

"I'm not getting my hopes up or anything—I'm just enjoying the moment. I understand her, Jackie, and I prefer her this way; when she's here when she wants to be here I really have her, you know? And little pieces of me don't die off anymore when she leaves—you know what I mean?"

"I think I get it. I sure wish you could bottle that," Jackie said in earnest. "You're an amazing woman, Ellie."

Eleanor stood up and gave Jackie a little curtsey. "Right back at you. Speaking of amazing women, I heard from Zoey the other day—seems you've got yourself a suitor or two—wink, wink. A lovely NYPD sergeant I believe, and possibly Eddie trying to get back into your good graces?"

"No, not Eddie—I could never go there again."

"Hmm...that sounds sticky, love."

"No, not sticky. Did the girl tell you anything of herself?"

"Of course she didn't."

"Well, Ellie, our girl has truly come into her own." Jackie related Zoey's triumphant moment of delivering the baby in the waiting room and her escapade with Akalitus and Thor securing the Jane Doe into the safety of a shelter. She didn't have to tell her about the new resident or Doctor Prentiss or anything at work as Zoey had already covered it all fully.

"Alright, Jacks, you've done a smash-up job, but what's really going on with you? _You_, my love?"

Jackie told her everything.

"I knew it! Didn't I say so before? You do have a thing for doctors!"

"I do not—I have a thing for _that_ doctor."

"I seem to recall not so long ago that your response to that accusation was that you had a thing for drugs—don't tell me your recovery is not going well."

"It's so hard, Ellie..." Jackie said seriously.

"I know, my love. But all of the pieces are slowly falling into place. Kevin can sod off; you're forging a wonderful new relationship with Grace and Fiona is going to come around beautifully as well, I know it. Keep doing whatever it is you're doing, Jacks, for them and for yourself; if that includes letting Cruz all the way in, then so be it—let someone be your rock, for a change."

"Only because my previous rock had a baby and moved across the pond," Jackie smiled at her best friend.


	6. This Is How We Do It

Nurse Jackie S5

I own nothing.

Ch 6 This Is How We Do It

Jackie made it through the week and was looking forward to the rare treat of a weekend off. When she got home that Friday evening she was exhausted but hit the kitchen running; as was her habit, she had seasoned her chicken the night before for frying; she pulled it out of the fridge after she'd heated some oil in a skillet as well as the leftover spaghetti from the night before. Just then Grace came into the kitchen with Fiona bounding in behind her.

"I'll get the sweet potatoes, Mom..." Grace said through a smile at her mother as she got two big fat ones out of the fridge and began peeling them.

"Thank you, baby..."Jackie beamed at her.

"Hi mom!" Jackie dipped down to allow Fiona's greeting of a kiss to her cheek.

"Hi baby! How was school today?"

"It was okay," Fiona said glumly as she took a seat at the kitchen table.

"What is it honey?" Jackie turned from her task at the stove to face her daughter.

"I was supposed to be Rapunzel in our play but Miss Frazetti gave the part Tina Bix today and now I'm the mother—the mother hardly has any scenes!" her daughter complained.

"Did you she give you an explanation as to why she made the change, honey?" Jackie asked her.

"Could have something to do with the fact that she doesn't know her lines..." Grace said delicately, speaking from one side of her mouth as she stood next her mother peeling potatoes.

"I heard that! And I do know my lines!" Fiona shouted furiously at her sister.

"No, she doesn't..." Grace insisted emphatically to her mother in the same manner as before.

"Shut up!" Fiona jumped out of her chair and rushed her sister with swinging fists. "Take it back! Take it back, you liar!" she screamed.

"Fiona! Baby..." Jackie turned off the skillet and grabbed her baby girl away from Grace, who hadn't raised a hand against her sister, even in defense. "Fi...c'mon...it's okay, baby..." she said to the then crying little girl. "It's just one play, honey...one part—there will be plenty of other plays...Fi?" Fiona was too consumed by her tears to speak. Jackie picked her baby up and carried her to the living room; she looked over at Grace who was about to speak and Jackie nodded a warning to her that stilled Grace's tongue immediately.

She sat on the couch with her daughter in her lap and let Fiona cry it out. After a time Grace came in with some Kleenex and handed the box to her mother then sat at her feet on the floor and patted her sister's back; Fiona flinched away from her touch but Grace did not let that deter her and Fiona gradually relented. Jackie's heart almost caught in throat watching her two babies and the evident love between them.

"It's not a conspiracy against you, Fi—you didn't study enough, that's all..." Grace said softly. Fiona only sniffled loudly.

"Is that right, honey? Fi?" Jackie asked her. Fiona squirmed in her lap and said nothing but held her mother tight. "Fi?" Jackie prodded her gently.

"I didn't study enough," came her daughter's barely audible admission.

"Okay. Now that's cleared up—Fiona, don't you think you owe your sister an apology?"

"I'm sorry I hit you, Grace," she managed.

"I'm sorry I ratted you out, Fi."

"You should be," Fiona shot back at her. Jackie couldn't help but to giggle; she looked at Grace and found her doing the same.

"Okay, ladies—can I get back to dinner now so that you don't starve tonight? Huh? Yeah?" Both girls nodded their agreement at her.

Later that evening, after the girls had packed their bags for their weekend at their father's and gotten themselves ready for bed, Jackie went to tuck Fiona in.

"Mom..." Fiona complained plaintively.

"What?"

"I'm too big to be tucked in."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah."

Jackie stopped and looked pointedly at her daughter. "You know what?"

"What?"

"Don't be in such a hurry to grow up." Jackie gave Fiona a loving little tweak to her nose and then a kiss upon her cheek then went back to tucking her girl in snugly.

"Goodnight, mom," Fiona smiled up at her.

"Goodnight, baby—I love you."

"I love you, too, mommy."

Jackie went to the bathroom then and knocked on the door. "Grace, you okay in there? It's getting late honey and you need to ..." the door opened.

"I'm good. Mom, can I talk to you?"

"Of course—what is it?"

Grace took her mother's hand, led her to her mom's bedroom and shut the door. They sat on the edge of the bed and faced each other.

"What, honey?"

"Do I have to tell dad about...you know, Danny? About what we talked about before?"

Jackie took one of Grace's hands back into her own and gave her a look before she spoke. "You know, honey, if you can ask the question you probably already have a good idea what the answer is going to be."

"But he's going to be so mad—he'll punish me."

"And you don't think you deserve punishment?"

"You didn't."

"I didn't—yet."

"Mom!"

"Look, Grace, I meant everything I said the other night, but did you seriously think that was the end of it?"

"Yeah, I kinda did."

"Well, you were wrong. Your father needs to know about it."

"But...he's going to be furious—and not just at me," her daughter said worriedly. "This could be our little secret, just this once? Mom? Please?" Grace begged her.

"You're worried for me? Why?"

"Because of, you know...how dad was that night...with you," she said uncomfortably.

"Oh, God...no, honey. I know that was kind of scary, but that's not your concern, really. I don't care how mad your dad and I might be at each other? It has _absolutely nothing_ to do with you. I don't care how mad we are at each other—when it comes to you two girls?—none of that matters, Grace. You two are the only things we will always agree on, do you understand me? Do you?"

"Yes," her daughter answered her unconvincingly.

"Grace, listen to me: you trust me now a little more than you did before, don't you?"

"Oh mom, yes," Grace assured her with an appreciative smile.

"Good, that's good. You know what else I want for you?"

"What?"

"I want you to feel the same way about your father. Yes, he's going to be livid; yes, he's going to be angry that we didn't all talk about this together, but he..." Jackie cut herself off. She was going to say that it was Kevin's fault for forcing Jackie to have to talk to Grace alone after his horrid display that night, but she didn't want to go there. "He needs to know, Grace. Your father loves you. Remember what I told you about? When people are furious with each other but they love each other?"

"Yes."

"I can't say it enough—your father loves you, Grace. Don't you worry about me and him—let him in and own up to what you did just like you did with me. He'll be angry, but you might be amazed at how much he'll appreciate it. We both want to earn your trust, Grace, just as much as we want you to earn ours. This is how you do it. Okay?"

"Okay." Grace still looked scared. Jackie took her into her embrace.

"I know, baby, but we can all do this. My only advice is that you tell him as soon as possible when you get home with him, okay? Don't torture yourself all weekend dreading it and putting it off—the sooner you clear the air the better, got it?"

"Yes."

"Okay, baby—go on and go get some sleep." Jackie kissed the top of her head.

"Goodnight, mom." Grace left her reluctantly.

When Grace shut Jackie's bedroom door quietly behind her Jackie flopped back onto her bed with a heavy sigh. Kevin was going to be furious with her, Grace was not wrong about that; she knew the angry phone call was going to come but she would be ready for it. As long as Kevin handled their daughter with the love she knew he had for her Jackie knew that she could weather anything from him; she was more than used to his wrath and he was welcomed to give it all to her and her alone, but she would not suffer it at the expense of their daughters—taking it out on them was not an option; if he dared to think that he could get away with that then he had another thing coming. She calmed herself eventually and told herself that, in spite of everything, Kevin was a man that she knew and she knew he would not let her down— she had to believe that he would be nothing less than a loving father, no matter how angry he was at whomever. She kept repeating it silently in her mind as a mantra and it was hours before she finally fell into a fitful sleep.

* * *

Kevin picked the girls up promptly at seven the next morning and when she opened the door to him he didn't even look at her, let alone speak. She stepped aside, tight-lipped, suppressing her own annoyance at him; he had to feel awkward, at least, behind his previous behavior from that night earlier in the week and it galled her that he had the nerve to try and transfer his shit onto her as if his brutish antics had all been her fault. When the girls came down, hugged her goodbye and each lingered in her embrace he took note and appeared quite taken aback by it. Inwardly, Jackie laughed at him but her face gave away nothing. He was still looking at her stupidly after the girls had broken away from her, hugged him and then led him out of the house excitedly. Jackie ignored him and then shut the door. She went to the couch, pulled her phone from her jean pocket before she sat down and called Mike.

"Jackie, hi..."

"Hi."

"The girls gone with their dad now?"

"Yes. Everything all moved to the new place?"

"Yeah." He knew that she was wondering why he hadn't called all week and also knew that she wouldn't ask him anything about it. "I didn't call you because I didn't want to intrude on your time with the girls."

"Wow...you're pulling my number on me."

"What's that?"

"Answering questions I haven't asked yet."

"Yeah, well, you know."

Jackie could hear the smile in his voice.

"You ready for me?"

"I'm still trying to figure that one out," she told him before she could stop herself. To her relief she heard him chuckle.

"Hold that thought, sweetheart—I'm on my way."

When Mike knocked on her door an hour later Jackie was amazed to actually feel her stomach doing little flip-flops. She put a hand to it as she opened the door to him with the other. "Good morning," she smiled up at him as she moved to let him in. He was dressed casually in a white shirt, black jeans and a black Yankees cap. He looked positively irresistible.

Mike just gave her a look as he passed her that made the queasy feeling in her stomach travel down further and settle itself like a time-bomb between her legs. He stopped in the middle of the living room and finally took his eyes off of her to survey his surroundings then settled his gaze on the staircase.

"Nice home you have here," he said as he looked up the stairs and then back at her. He held out a hand to her.

Jackie moved as if she were in a trance as she closed the door and made her way to him, taking his hand and allowing herself to be led up her stairs. When they got to the top he nudged her gently in front of him. "Your turn..." he said as he waited to be ushered to her room. Once inside he closed the door behind them. "Come on...we need to talk..." he said as he led her to her bed. He propped up some pillows before he kicked off his sneakers and sat upon it, got comfortable against the headboard and stretched out before he straddled her upon his lap.

"Mike..." she began nervously.

"No," he cut her off with a brush of his finger to her soft lips, "I've got a question." He took off his baseball cap and set it on the night table.

"Oh...you cut your hair..." The pleasant surprise in her voice was accompanied by a smile and her hand, which had acted on the will of it's own and sought out the thick, soft, quiffed curls on top of his head.

"Yeah, it was time to come back to myself..." He closed his eyes and gave himself over to the sensual feel of her fingers running through his hair. "I had a real mop-top for a while...beard, too...didn't even recognize myself."

"I would like to have seen that," Jackie chuckled.

"No, you wouldn't have, trust me..." Mike took her hand away and kissed the palm of it, then looked intently into her eyes. "What happened with your ex the other night?" he asked her softly.

Jackie told him all of it.

"Bastard," he grunted at her when she finished; the grimace on his face was absolutely chilling.

"Everything for a reason, right? It was hard as hell, but Grace and I—we hit a milestone, Mike."

His features softened as his genuine happiness forced his anger away and he smiled at her. "That is a good thing, Jackie."

"He's going to call here at some point soon, pitching a bitch—you should know that. But I'm ready for him," she assured him. Mike nodded at her.

"You know, the ink is not even dry on your divorce papers yet; I know you're working through a lot of serious issues and I'm not trying to tell you how to run your life, but I have some suggestions that I want you to give some serious thought to, huh?"

"Okay, I'm listening," she said agreeably.

"I only worked with you lunatics for a few months—I understand how you feel about them..."

Jackie smiled.

"Jackie, there's a lot of love there, I get it. But they can make it without you, now. A hellfied nurse you are, but it's not all that you are; you've got your girls to think about—they're the ones who need you the most now, Jackie—don't make the same mistake that I did."

Jackie's smile faded as she let out a little gasp and a tear came to her eye.

"You're probably gonna hate me for even saying such a thing, Jackie, but quit your job, for starters."

Jackie gasped incredulously again.

"Look, there's nobody on this planet that will dispute that you're a damn fine nurse, but your job is quite literally toxic. You're surrounded by temptation every day and it's admirable what you're doing, but you've proven your point—that you can be a nurse and stay clean. But it's getting harder, isn't it?"

Jackie was still speechless.

"I know you're terrified but you've been doing a great job. And if you fall—_if _you fall—I want to be there to catch you," he told her firmly.

"A nurse is all I've ever been, Mike. It's who I am. I can do this...yes it's hard—you just don't know..." she began to protest.

"Did you forget who you're talking to?" he asked her sternly. "I do know, Jackie, whether I heard it all from your lips or not, I know. And being a nurse—that's not all you are. You would make an excellent drug counselor, did you ever think about that? So many other things you could do and still help people—without being around drugs every day of your life."

"I don't want to be your project, Mike, and I don't want to let you down. And I just feel it in my bones that it's coming...I can't seem to shake it." Jackie moved to get off of him; Mike grabbed her wrists and held her fast.

"You're not my fucking 'project', Jackie—you're my friend. And I'm yours. First and foremost. Always. You want to date other people? Fine. You need some time alone to yourself? You got it. But I'm not going away. I'm not, Jackie."

"That's the thing! I don't want to date! I'm not ready..."

"So, what's with the cop?"

"He's a nice guy...with _really_ bad timing. Even if his timing was good—I'm not one of those women who's afraid of nice guys, Mike; Kevin was a nice guy when I married him. I'm the one that's not nice. And the absolute last thing I want to be is not nice to you—you deserve better than that."

"Okay, I understand that. And you've got your girls to think about. You're in uncharted waters right now, in so many ways. You don't want to be bringing strange men into their orbit anytime soon—that's what we all are—your ex included."

"What? What do you mean?" she scoffed at him.

"He wants you. Right about now, at this point in his life, he's wondering why he threw it all away; you didn't love Eddie; another man wasn't the issue—but other men are the issue, now. He had a good woman and he knows it, drugs be damned. And he knows that if he'd stuck it out and addressed the real issues with you he'd still be here, enjoying the woman who's finally made that hard effort to come back to herself and her family—and has been triumphant. He hates himself for it and he's taking it out on you. I know all about it, honey, I've been there. He knows now that you were worth the wait and he let you go. So yeah, he's a very different man now, as different a man as you are a different woman. So we're all strangers to your daughters: him; me; the cop; Eddie—not elements they need to be exposed to, especially us other three. I get it. I just want you to know that I can step back, Jackie," he said softly.

Mike loosened his grip on her wrists when it became apparent that she wouldn't bolt; she was lost deep in her own thoughts then, drinking in all that he'd said. She had concentrated her gaze on his chest but had been actually looking far beyond his physical body. Finally she looked him in his eyes.

"Thank you, Mike, I appreciate that."

"But I'm not stepping out of the picture," he told her then, as if in warning. "I love you. I know I've had a lot more time to live with that than you have, but I do; I hope one day you'll love me, too, and that I'll be worthy enough to meet your girls; but I'm going to wait on you, Jackie. Whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it, however you want to do it—I'm your friend. And just so you know in no uncertain terms just what I mean by friend..."

Mike pulled her down closer to him and kissed her deeply and Jackie yielded to him; she ran her hands up the sides of his face and through his hair; Mike rolled her over onto her back and then lifted her blouse and dove into the little valley between her breasts, smothered it with kisses; he worked his way down then, undoing her jeans urgently as she lay gloriously helpless beneath him. He eased her out of her jeans then and kissed the mound between her legs through her silken bikini panties sending her into ecstatic little anticipatory shivers all over her body. He stopped suddenly and looked up at her as she looked down at him to see why he'd stopped. "However you want it, Jackie," he told he softly. "No pressure, though," he smiled at her as he liberated her from panties and dove back into heaven in earnest.


	7. Some Lessons

Nurse Jackie S5

I own nothing.

Ch 7 Some Lessons

"Quit my job, huh?" Jackie said quietly, hours later as she lay in Mike's embrace.

"Just a suggestion..." Mike murmured into the back of her neck as he spooned her, "food for thought..." Mike held her tighter and pinned her with his leg over her hip; Jackie snuggled into him and found him hard and ready for more.

"You're a machine," she said as she smiled into her pillow.

"Far from that, sweetheart," he laughed lightly.

"Oh, he's modest," Jackie said as if she were her own audience. "Well, you're damn good, how about that?"

"You can only be as good as the person you're with—and you, Jackie Peyton, inspire me to greatness."

"Oh, not so modest, after all," she giggled.

"I'm just trying to keep up with you," he said then as he slipped himself into her again and worked his slow, concentrated magic on her. Just then her cell phone rang on the night table. Jackie already knew who it was and turned back to look at Mike. "I know..." he kissed her shoulder but didn't stop stroking her.

"Really?"

"Really..." he murmured at her.

Jackie answered her phone.

"Jackie," came his angry voice over the phone.

"Kevin." Jackie managed to keep her own voice even in spite of what Mike was doing to her.

"I refuse to always be the bad cop, Jackie, but I grounded her: no phone, no laptop, no hanging out with friends for a month."

"Good—I agree with you—and when you put her on the phone I'll tell her so." Jackie could tell that he was still fuming and waited through the momentary silence for the bomb to drop; her easy agreement with him only seemed to make him angrier and could see his scowling face as surely as if was in the room with her, could feel the heat of his rage through the phone; ten uneasy seconds later he unleashed his attack upon her.

"I can't fucking believe you let Grace wait this whole rest of this week before you both told me what happened! I am so fucking fed-up with you!"

"And I'm fed-up with you and all of your self-righteous bullshit, but we have kids to take care of, Kevin," she shot back at him. Mike stopped then and just held her.

"Yeah? Well, fine fucking job you're doing. We're supposed to do these things together, Jackie..." he began furiously.

"No," she cut him off, "we're supposed to be of one accord, Kevin; we're not always going to be able to discipline them together—we don't live in the same house and Grace was angry and scared and it couldn't wait," she told him vehemently. Mike relinquished her then as she sat up in the bed.

"She should have been scared—that boy could have tried anything! When I think of all of things that could have happened—I could kill you both!" he screamed at her.

"And that right there, Kevin? That's why I had to talk to her; she was scared and it's not just because of what happened or what could have happened to her when she went out that night—she's afraid of you; she's afraid of what she saw _you,_ do to _me_ the other night, you bastard. _You_ left _me_ alone to have to explain that shit to her, Kevin, and because of that I had to do damage control—on your fucking behalf and in your defense! So that your daughter will trust you enough to ever fucking tell you anything at all!" Jackie screamed into her phone. "She has to have our trust, too, Kevin, and she's not going to have that if she thinks you're going to beat her ass—or mine—if she opens up to you! I had to talk to her without you and try to get that point across to her, so I hope you're not over there undoing all of my hard work, because if you are we're going to lose her, Kevin. Do you fucking understand me?" Jackie hissed into the phone.

Kevin was speechless on the other end of the line.

"Fucking say something!" she demanded angrily.

"I'm...I'm sorry about...the other night, Jackie," he managed his choked apology at last.

"Don't fucking tell it to me—tell it to her, Goddammit. All of this rage and anger you seem to enjoy leveling at me so much, Kevin? I can take it—and I can give it back. But I'm telling you now that you will cease and desist from displaying it at me in front of our daughters—that shit stops, Kevin, today. If you want to have any hope of not alienating our girls from you? That shit stops. Today. And If Grace has any further complaints about her punishment you call me yourself and put her on the phone with me. Now go and love our daughters like they deserve to be loved, Kevin." Jackie hung up on him.

Jackie made to get out of the bed but Mike wouldn't let her go.

"Stop it...just...just stop..." she began angrily as the tears welled up in her eyes; she tried to disengage his hand from her wrist and was unsuccessful.

"I know baby..."

"God! He makes it all so much harder than it needs to be!" she said as she threw her phone upon the bed. "He's driving me crazy and I'm so afraid that...it would just kill me if he ever...if my girls..." Jackie couldn't get the words out.

"I know, sweetheart...c'mon, try to calm down. I don't think he's that bastard, Jackie, really, I don't. You told him; you made him aware—you gave him his wake-up call. I'm pretty sure he heard you."

"I can only pray that he heard me, Mike. If he ever hurts those girls—I would never be able to forgive him. Or myself."

"What do you want to do?" he asked her softly.

"I want to talk to my daughter; I want to talk to Grace."

"Then call her, baby. She's not off limits just because she's with her father. If you're worried—and even if you're not—you have the right to call her." Mike kissed her shoulder again then got out of the bed. "I'm going down to raid your fridge and make some coffee—do you mind?"

Jackie looked up at him with a sad, sweet smile as she reached for her phone. "No, not at all. And thank you."

Mike left her with a smile on his face of his own.

It was a little while later before Jackie came down to the kitchen where she found Mike making himself another cup of coffee. She said nothing as she took his cup out of his hand and set it on the counter, then reached up to take his face into her hands and kissed him.

"Is everything alright?" he asked her, as his concern animated his furrowed brows.

"Better...things are better."

"Good...where were we?" He took her into his embrace and nuzzled into her.

"No, Mike, let's just...let's just cool it a minute, huh?" Jackie said as she wrangled out of his grasp.

"What's wrong? Did I say something wrong?"

"I just need to...I don't know, take a step back, maybe?"

"Come sit down—talk to me Jackie," he said then as he took her hand and led her to the table. They sat down and faced each other. "I can tell from the look on your face that you've had some thoughts about what I said before, huh?"

"I have some thoughts about everything. And I disagree with you—I can still work—"

"Of course you disagree with me," he cut her off angrily, which took Jackie aback. "You were a highly-functioning addict, Jackie, and you skipped a lot of steps; you feel like you're going to slip because chances are great that you will! You still don't go to AA; you don't have a sponsor—you know very well what the statistics are and you need to give yourself every advantage if you're really trying not to be one. Charlie went to the meetings, but sporadically, and he never got a sponsor, just would fucking never do it—"

"I'm not Charlie!" Jackie shouted at him then and rose up angrily from the table. "When do I get credit for being sober? For not relapsing? So much shit I have to take—from everybody—forever? If I have to say 'I'm a drug addict' one more time!" she railed at him. "Everybody fucking knows it, already; nobody lets me forget! I've been handling my shit, Mike; I said I wanted to drown in a vat of blue pills and God knows I could make it happen. But I haven't done it. I haven't done it!"

They stared each other down for a long moment before Mike rose from his seat and went to her.

"It doesn't take a whole vat, Jackie—it only takes one pill," he said quietly.

Jackie turned away from him to keep him from seeing the tears that were about to roll down her face even as she tried to steel herself against them.

Mike walked closer to her where she stood at her her sink and took her gently by her shoulders, then rested his chin on top of her head. "You can't do it all alone, Jackie," he began softly, "if there's only one thing you've learned from all of this pain, please tell me that you've learned that. You have yourself, but as tough as you are? You're not enough. You have a family who loves you; friends who love you—me. You _need_ to go to your meetings. You _need_ a sponsor. These are the facts, sweetheart. Look, I'm gonna go up, get dressed, go home. What I said before still stands—whenever you want to talk...not talk...beat on somebody's chest and scream—need a hug—I'm your man. Got it?"

Jackie was too overcome with emotions to speak.

"Just nod your head," he said with a smile in his voice. Jackie complied but was still unable to turn and face him. "I'll take it," he said. He kissed the top of her head and reluctantly left her. She was still standing at the sink ten minutes later when she heard her front door open and close.


End file.
